With summer just around the corner, it is time for the 366 reader base to vote on which three summer blockbusters to send the Eakers (Alfred and Aja) to review for our fourth annual installment of the series “Eaker v.s Eaker vs. the Summer Blockbusters.” The candidates below are listed in order of release. Be sure to view the entire post; you will vote at the end.
- Alien: Covenant, opening May 12. I ‘ll have to nix the latest Fast and Furious (April 14) and Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol 2 (April 28), simply because they’re coming too soon. That leaves us to potentially open with Alien: Covenant, Ridley Scott‘s sequel to Prometheus, which is probably the most likely to send me sleeping on the couch for a couple of nights. Why? Because I loved Prometheus and thought it the best of the entire Alien series (yes, you read that right). Aja, on the other hand, sided with the fanboy masses and hated it so thoroughly that I was not able to even watch it a second time until she left town for a week. So, this is probably the number one candidate for a knock down, drag out fight. Of course, I could be wrong. It really could suck. After all, no artist is infallible, and Scott is undeniably an uneven director.
- King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, May 12. Hasn’t this story been told a few times already? It’s directed by Guy Ritchie, whose resume doesn’t promise anything even remotely approaching freshness.
- Wonder Woman, June 2. With their last few entries, DC comics have earned the reputation of being hacks when it comes to the big screen. This is odd, since they rule the small screen with their animated and live action series. And, let’s be honest—they have cooler, more colorful characters than Marvel. Exhibit A is the delightful series “Supergirl,” which apparently a lot of humorless fanboys hate. With Marvel, it’s usually the reverse (Exhibit B is the reportedly godawful TV series “Iron Fist”). Gail Gadot was the coolest element of the execrable Batman vs. Superman, but she was only in it briefly. Also on the potential plus side is director Patty Jenkins, whose Monster (2003) was critically acclaimed. However, her work since then has been sporadic and confined to television (although she won several Emmys). On the negative side, the trailer indicates an overblown spectacle—which shouldn’t be surprising since a certain hack named Snyder co-wrote the script, and the only thing he seems to write well are recipes for disaster.
- Baywatch, June 2. Based on the cheesy TV series and starring Dwayne Johnson. Jesus God, this is gonna be really bad.
- The Mummy, June 9. Director Alex Kurtzman is known primarily as a writer… of bad scripts (Amazing Spiderman 2, a Transformers movie, Star Trek: Into Darkness). Lead actress Sofia Boutella is earning a reputation as a formidable screen presence. It also stars Tom Cruise whose work is usually uneven. This is supposed to be the first entry in Universal’s planned reboot of its classic monster Continue reading READER POLL FOR EAKER VS. EAKER VS.THE 2017 SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS: THE CANDIDATES
Knowingly misogynistic, with a splendid score (Claudio Gizzi), an over-the-top finale that puts some of the sillier Hammer vampire dispatches to shame, and a
Shot in 3-D, Frankenstein aims directly to satirize the sexploitation/horror demographic with a high quota of gore and sex—the latter supplied by Monique Van Vooren as the unloved nymphomaniac Baroness, wife and sister to the Baron, and Dallesandro as the stable boy who services her. Aptly, the film opens with the Baron and Baroness as children dissecting and beheading a doll, but “Addams Family” this isn’t: the good doctor’s supply of cadavers comes from bordellos rather than the traditional cemetery. Kier and Van Vooren are ideally cast, with her armpit sucking competing with his gallbladder screwing. Although undeniably dated, it’s every bit as outrageous as it sounds.
“Mel” stretches credibility when Michael Jayston is more interested in an oddly shaped tree than he is in oversexed wife Joan Collins in something pink from Frederick’s of Hollywood. It’s the most remembered segment for a reason—it’s a camp hoot, with Collins channeling her inner jealous diva. The tree tries to upstage the human competition, which is not an easy task against Joan in a flimsy nightie, wielding an axe.
Reportedly, Price had misgivings about the script and was unhappy with the final edit, feeling it too too extreme and devoid of the sense of nostalgia that drives his screen persona. His is a supporting role, no doubt due in part to his (clearly) failing health. Burr, co-writing with Mike Malone, Darin Scott, and Courtney Joyner, fires on all cylinders, without a weak link, and despite a relatively low budget. Obscure enough to rarely be listed, it’s more refreshingly original than the more familiar fare. Burr considers it as his only authentic film, having since been consigned to commission work.
Initially sounding more like old fuddy-duddy Edward Van Sloan than Peter Cushing, Lorimer Van Helsing, grandson of Abraham, lectures his granddaughter Jessica (Hammer babe Stephanie Beacham) all about the wrong crowd and premarital sex. Pooh-poohing gramps, Jessica heads straight for the wrong crowd,