With summer just around the corner, it is time for the 366 reader base to vote on which three summer blockbusters to send the Eakers (Alfred and Aja) to review. The candidates below are listed in order of release. Be sure to view the entire post; you will vote at the end.

1. Captain America : Civil War,  MAY 6

Apparently Marvel didn’t learn any lessons from Hack Snyder pitting Batman against Superman when they decided to make Captain America vs. iron man.  A big plus is this one isn’t directed by Snyder. Other possible pluses: it does have Robert Downey Jr. and is made by the people who brought us Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014), which received predominantly good reviews. On the bad side, the trailer has cringe-worthy dialogue:

“There are men laying down their lives. I’ve got no right to do any less than them.”

“I just know what I have to do.”

The trailer’s painfully obvious, knee-jerking music hardly inspires. The film’s script writer is Christopher Markus, who wrote the first two entries in this franchise and amazingly transformed a Red-Skulled Nazi into a vapid, dull, underwritten villain, which cannot be an easy accomplishment.

2. Friday the 13th,  MAY 13 (imagine that).

I will give John Carpenter‘s Halloween (1978) credit for being good at this type of thing (whatever that is worth–I still prefer his 1982 remake of The Thing). However, let’s be honest: Friday the 13th was a lame, poor man’s Halloween imitation, produced by perennial hack Frank Mancusco, Jr.  The sole bright spot in the entirety of this series was a 15 second opening in one of them (don’t ask me which) that spoofed the James Bond credits. Unfortunately, the movies themselves were forgettable, as they all rather blend together. I was surprised to see this listed on the summer movie list; I thought the franchise had died off about 30 years ago. No such luck, but I cannot imagine a movie about a trailer-park Republican with an ax inspiring more than a ten word review. (Sorry, this one has been pushed back to a 2017 release. Thanks El_Tizz for the heads up!!)

3. Alice Through The Looking  Glass,  MAY 27

Another Disney attempt at Lewis Carroll?  It’s produced by Tim Burton, who zapped all the inherent surrealism out of his previous Alice In Wonderland (2010). It stars (drum roll please)…Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. Yawn. It’s directed by James Bobin, who brought us the last Muppet movie. How is that for credentials? The prospects  border on being masochistic, although Aja is a fan of Carter. The faint, half glimmer of hope is the late and already much missed Alan Rickman voicing the Blue Caterpillar.

4. X-MEN Apocalypse, MAY 27

As far as superhero movies go, the X-Men, when directed by Bryan Singer, are a cut above the rest of the lot. He should be drafted to helm all of them. He’s directing this one and Zack Snyder isn’t, so there is potential.

However, Singer is due for a dud. His Superman Returns (2006) is considered by many fanboys to be a flop, despite the fact that it actually was a critical and box office success. Similarly, Valkyrie (2008) was seen as a noble failure, but unfairly it was Tom Cruise who was primarily blamed and received the bulk of bad notices, despite giving a good performance. The material called for something more bombastic than what Singer could deliver, which means he’s not infallible.

Perhaps he is trying to make it up with yet another apocalyptic-themed saga—like we haven’t already been inundated with scriptural seriousness in enough super guy movies.  Certainly, the X-Men series has been heading towards its own apocalypse for quite some time. The question is, do we really need it? And, can Singer actually find humor in such a dour theme? The trailer is chock full of pseudo-Biblical metaphors and even has the highly original tagline “Only the strong will survive.” Perhaps that is referring to its potential audience.

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 ,JUN 3RD

This has been a wretched concept from the beginning when the unasked-for original entry failed to retain the source material’s wit. A potentially silly sequel to a silly, dumbed-down premise.

6. Now You See Me 2,  JUNE 10

Aja liked the first one. I found it a chore (what original concept it had was reduced to an endless, dull chase scene).

This unasked-for sequel is directed by the guy who gave us G.I. Joe : Retaliation, which rightfully made everyone’s worst of 2013 list. it is scripted by the hack who wrote Super Mario Brothers (1990), Charlie’s Angels (2000) and The in-Laws (2003); all of which were candidates for worst movies of their year.

It stars Daniel Radcliffe of the successful Harry Potter franchise, which I was compelled to like given that it made fundamentalists’ heads explode (although the antagonists—Ralph Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter, Tom Felton and pseudo-antagonist Alan Rickman—were more interesting than the protagonists). However, Radcliff’s post-Potter career has been a mess. He either needs a new agent or a course in “how to distinguish a good script from a bad one.” This has disaster and “what were they thinking?” written all over it.

7. Independence Day 2, JUN 24th

The original was a July 4th pile of cinematic excrement. One would think we get enough entertainment out of GOP politicians trying to pass for humans and itching for a self-fulfilled apocalypse on the daily news. ‘Nuff said.

8. The Legend Of Tarzan, JUL 1

Sigh. We know the overly familiar story about a white man who grows up in the jungle to be Dr. Doolittle in a loincloth, a better ape than the apes, and a better African than the Africans. Tarzan has always been a wet dream for Americana. This one is directed by David Yates, who took over the last half of the Harry Potter franchise. Unfortunately, Yates is an uneven director. One of the writers was responsible for the astoundingly banal Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (2014) and the trailer for this latest Tarzan looks astonishingly dumb. Haven’t we outgrown this?

9. Star Trek 3: Beyond, JUL 8

3? Someone at Paramount needs to retake Math 101. There have been at least a dozen “Star Trek” movies to date. Regardless, Trek has rarely been lucky on the big screen. Actually, it really only worked in a few television episodes from the 1960s, which happened to be written by established science fiction writers. It has undoubtedly dated badly.

With one, possibly two exceptions, the movies starring the original cast were horrid. The ratio was just as bad with the “Next Generation” entries. When J.J. Abrahms took over, a lot of trekkies inexplicably pronounced it a resounding success. I can’t imagine that anyone actually still believes that. Abrahms was better suited to Star Wars and he is not even directing this one. This latest entry is made by one of directors of the Fast And Furious franchise.

The trailer couldn’t look more discouraging, filled with shockingly infantile music, ninjas with white painted faces, someone flying on a motorcycle like Evel Knieval in space, and “cute” one-liners.

10. Ghostbusters, JUL 22

Ghostbusters 2 was so awful, Bill Murray has refused all attempts to reboot it. Smart man, that Murray.

But see, this one’s really going to be different. It’s got Melissa McCarthy leading girl ghostbusters.

Aja is stoked about this one.  She laughed throughout the trailer. I found it an excuse to go back and get the milk duds after all.

It could very well lead to an Eaker apocalypse.

11. Power Rangers, AUG 28

Around twenty years ago, I vividly recall suburban mothers literally leaping over the counter toward an unfortunate J.C.Penny salesman who was foolish enough to open a shipment of power ranger dolls in open view. It was one of those unasked for life lessons about the sacredness of the Christmas season.

The Power Rangers fad lasted all of about five minutes and this was another surprise on the summer list. Never having watched the TV show, I am in foreign terrain here. Its best hope is to be as ludicrous as those insane J.C.Penny mall shoppers.

12. Suicide Squad, AUG 5

In its favor, here is another film not written or directed by Zack Snyder. However, it’s written and directed by David Ayer instead whose unimaginative resume doesn’t leave much room for optimism.

It’s going to be a grim summer.

P.S.  Aja reported that if readers pick TMNT2, I’m going alone.

(Poll is open for 1 week only. You may vote once per day).