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The odds that, out of the near-500 films still in our reader queue, two of them would utilize the very same chewy appetizer in their titles seem awfully remote. Yet here we are, cinematically celebrating this savory treat from Helsinki to Tokyo. So let’s see just what calamari means to these filmmakers, and whether they’d have been better off invoking jalapeño poppers.

CALAMARI UNION (1985)

DIRECTED BY: Aki Kaurismäki

FEATURING: Timo Eränkö, Kari Heiskanen, Asmo Hurula, Sakke Järvenpää, Markku Toikka

PLOT: A collection of petty criminals band together to escape the Kallio district for the greener pastures of Eira; their journey to a new neighborhood, however, will be perilous and filled with obstacles.

COMMENTS: The classic World War II caper The Great Escape is about the daring breakout of more than 80 prisoners from a Nazi prison camp. The plan requires extraordinary levels of cleverness, craftiness, and chutzpah. Even then, the odds are against them, and (spoiler alert for 80-year-old history) only three men eventually get away.

Calamari Union is The Great Escape for idiots. A collection of 14 low-level criminals all named Frank (plus an additional traveler who speaks exclusively in English that he seems to have picked up from watching movies) join forces to escape certain doom in a bad Helsinki neighborhood. Are the cops closing in? Is some crime boss about to bring the hammer down on them? No, they just don’t fit in. Too many hills, with kids and dogs running around willy-nilly. No good can come of all that. They all agree: “A sick branch must seek a healthier tree.” They must escape to the paradise of Eira.

Trouble is, they’re all comically bad at looking out for their own best interests. Upon hijacking a subway to take them to the city center, the train driver shoots one of the Franks, an event met with only casual interest from the rest of the troupe. They all independently gravitate to the same café, despite having been warned that it’s every man for himself. They chase girls, make mildly extravagant purchases, pick fights, anything to delay actually reaching their destination. Getting to the promised land would seem to be the most urgent goal, but no one is in any particular hurry to get anywhere. Even when blessed with useful skills, such as convincing a driver to hand over their vehicle with no debate, they don’t put their talents to any particular use. That, of course, is Calamari Union’s particular breed of surrealism: no one does anything logical. It’s amusing, but as aimless as the petty crooks themselves.

Many of the actors are Finnish rock musicians, which might explain the moment when the Franks all show up for a musical interlude in which they sing, “I’m a bad, bad boy and I won’t be your toy.” It’s wishful thinking, though. For most of this motley crew, the change in location does not bring about a change in attitude. To be frank, they’re not as bad as they think, and they’re not as self-motivated as they hope.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAY:

“Calamari Union is Aki Kaurismäki’s most openly surrealist film, and I’m awarding that badge as one of honour. This is not a filmmaker tinkering with the form but a headfirst plunge, infused with a Buñuelian sense of the logically absurd and a generous dose of inspired silliness worthy of Monty Python… a straight-faced, comic-absurdist delight that had me giggling helplessly right up to the closing frame.” – Slarek, CineOutsider

THE CALAMARI WRESTLER [IKA RESURAA] (2004)

DIRECTED BY: Minoru Kawasaki

FEATURING: Kana Ishida, Osamu Nishimura, Akira Nogami, Hariken Ryu

PLOT: Japanese professional wrestling is rocked by the sudden appearance of The Calamari Wrestler, a human-sized squid who is intensely focused on reclaiming the belt—and the life—once held by a former champion who passed away too soon.

COMMENTS: The title of Calamari Union is mostly nonsense. The Calamari Wrestler, on the other hand, is completely literal. This movie is about a giant calamari who wrestles. It’s appropriately straightforward, since the oeuvre of Minoru Kawasaki is arguably not dense with mystery. Executive Koala, for example, features a mascot-sized marsupial in upper management. Crab Goalkeeper is the tale of a footballer who happens to be a crab. Kabuto-O Beetle is about a wrestler who is a human-sized insect. Why expect more from The Calamari Wrestler? Don’t overthink it.

The fun is in how blatantly ridiculous Kawasaki is. The titular cephalopod may have certain characteristics of the genuine article, like the ability to spray ink as a defense mechanism, but there’s no pretense to realism. He absolutely looks like a guy in a suit. The entertainment comes from watching this big squid do human things, like assume the lotus position to meditate, steal the girlfriend of his rival, and, of course, wrestle. That absurdity is the whole joke. Kawasaki magnifies it by dropping repeated references to the best known underdog-in-the-ring saga, the Rocky series. Love interest Miyako dresses exactly like Talia Shire from the first film, but The Calamari Wrestler goes in particularly hard on Rocky III, including the in-ring surprise appearance of a dangerous new opponent (first a mascot octopus, then an oversized mantis shrimp), then the need to collaborate with a former rival through a training montage that includes a beachside footrace. Of course it’s silly. What else could it be?

The Calamari Wrestler is an unquestionable oddball, but it’s extremely lightweight. There really aren’t any consequences to speak of; the sturm und drang revolves around the impact this seaborne fighter will have on the integrity of professional wrestling. That’s like having no impact at all. Even the weighty issues of disease, death, and faith are light as a feather here. We just want to see mascots fight, and our wish is granted. Titles aside, if Calamari Union and The Calamari Wrestler have anything in common, it’s a commitment to the idea that the end is irrelevant to the means. Neither the Franks nor the squid end up going anywhere; it’s all about what they do along the way.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAY:

“This movie is so unrepentantly weird it’s hard to know where to begin, exactly… bizarre and hilarious from the very beginning and doesn’t let up for a moment, right up to the melodramatic twist ending.” – Derek Miller, Bad Movie Realm

(Calamari Union was nominated for review by Rgijaba. The Calamari Wrestler was nominated for review by WD. Suggest a weird movie or two of your own here.)