With summer just around the corner, it is time for the 366 reader base to vote on which three summer blockbusters to send the Eakers (Alfred and Aja) to review for our fourth annual installment of the series “Eaker v.s Eaker vs. the s.” The candidates below are listed in order of release. Be sure to view the entire post; you will vote at the end.

  1. Alien: Covenant, opening May 12. I ‘ll have to nix the latest Fast and Furious (April 14) and Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol 2 (April 28), simply because they’re coming too soon.  That leaves us to potentially open with Alien: Covenant, ‘s sequel to Prometheus, which is probably the  most likely to send me sleeping on the couch for a couple of nights. Why? Because I loved Prometheus and thought it the best of the entire Alien series (yes, you read that right). Aja, on the other hand, sided with the fanboy masses and hated it so thoroughly that I was not able to even watch it a second time until she left town for a week. So, this is probably the number one candidate for a knock down, drag out fight. Of course, I could be wrong. It really could suck. After all, no artist is infallible, and Scott is undeniably an uneven director.
  2. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, May 12. Hasn’t this story been told a few times already? It’s directed by Guy Ritchie, whose resume doesn’t promise anything even remotely approaching freshness.
  3. Wonder Woman, June 2.  With their last few entries, DC comics have earned the reputation of being hacks when it comes to the big screen. This is odd, since they rule the small screen with their animated and live action series. And, let’s be honest—they have cooler, more colorful characters than Marvel. Exhibit A is the delightful series “Supergirl,” which apparently a lot of humorless fanboys hate. With Marvel, it’s usually the reverse (Exhibit B is the reportedly godawful TV series “Iron Fist”). Gail Gadot was the coolest element of the execrable Batman vs. Superman, but she was only in it briefly. Also on the potential plus side is director Patty Jenkins, whose Monster (2003) was critically acclaimed. However, her work since then has been sporadic and confined to television (although she won several Emmys). On the negative side, the trailer indicates an overblown spectacle—which shouldn’t be surprising  since a certain hack named Snyder co-wrote the script, and the only thing he seems to write well are recipes for disaster.
  4. Baywatch, June 2. Based on the cheesy TV series and starring Dwayne Johnson. Jesus God, this is gonna be really bad.
  5. The Mummy, June 9. Director Alex Kurtzman is known primarily as a writer… of bad scripts (Amazing Spiderman 2, a Transformers movie, Star Trek: Into Darkness). Lead actress Sofia Boutella is earning a reputation as a formidable screen presence. It also stars whose work is usually uneven. This is supposed to be the first entry in Universal’s planned reboot of its classic monster franchise. Like we need another franchise.
  6. Transformers: The Last Knight, June 23. We can only hope it’s the last. I’ve only seen one of the Transformer travesties. It was a new lesson in masochism.
  7. Cars 3, July 4. Nuthin’ is more ‘Murican than cars. So how apt is its Independence Day release?
  8. Spiderman: Homecoming, July7. After imploding on the short-lived  Amazing Spiderman franchise, one would think Sony would let go of the beast. To its credit, Tom Holland received raves for his Peter Parker cameo in the last Captain America movie, and it also has as a Birdman-like villain (potentially a definite plus).  With it’s cutesy and obvious one-liners, however, the trailer doesn’t leave much room for optimism. Nor does the resume of director Jon Watts. His previous features (2014’s Clown and 2015’s Cop Car) were hopelessly pedestrian. Hollywood must be the only town on the globe that doesn’t do background checks. That’s the only explanation for handing a big-budget, flagship superhero franshcise over to a filmmaker known primarily for flops.
  9. War for the Planet of the Apes, July 14. Thus far, this has been an interesting reworking of the original franchise. Director and star Andy Serkis return. The trailer looks promising. Unfortunately, this is a second potential sending-Alfred-to-the-couch film. My better half thoroughly despises all things ape. I guess she never had the action figures. Man, they came with their own village and horses. Her loss.
  10. Dunkirk, July 21. ‘s latest is about the WWII Dunkirk evacuation. Nolan is a critical darling, although I find most of his films to be irritatingly overwritten. It has a heavy duty cast, is told from the perspective of land, sea, and air, and has minimal dialogue.
  11. The Dark Tower, July 28. It’s directed by Dutch filmmaker Nikolaj Arcel, whose Royal Tower (2012) received good reviews. He must have a thing for towers. It’s based on Stephen King’s novel, which  is reported to be unfilmable. Few would argue that King today is equal to King of old.
  12. Valérian and the City of a Thousand Planets, August 4. Another sci-fi opus from (1997’s Fifth Element, 2014’s Lucy). He’s a  wildly uneven director. The trailer conjures up memories of Avatar (2009), which is not a good thing.
  13. Kingsman: The Golden Circle, Sept 29. Directed by Matthew Vaughn, who helmed the previous Kinsman: The Secret Service (2014), X-Men: First Class (2011), and Layer Cake (2004). This could prove to be a sleeper; however, Vaughn also directed the mediocre Stardust (2007) and the wretched Kick-Ass (2010).

(Poll is open for 1 week only. You may vote once per day).

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  1. This is not looking bad for Alfred and Aja. If the voting ended today, they’d be seeing Alien: Covenant, Valerian, and Dunkirk, which hardly seems like a masochistic schedule—those are all movies I would conceivably watch voluntarily. Actually, there are only a couple of truly painful-looking selections here at all. I’m going to have to make sure some worse movies make this poll next year!

  2. I voted The Dark Tower, because I love the book series, and it’s deeply Weird from the word ‘go’. Valerian and Guardians of the Galaxy 2 both seem like 70s sci-fi movies with huge budges, and I’m gladly seeing both of them.

  3. So the winners are Wonder Woman, Alien: Covenant and Dunkirk. Not sure I understand what the appeal of Dunkirk is to readers of this site, but there you have it: the people have spoken!

    (Personally I was rooting for Baywatch, Transformers, and Valerian).

    1. I don’t get “Dunkirk” either, but as you say : the people….
      I’ll probably still hit “Baywatch” as a bonus (just to liven up the VS arena of marriage. The idea of even taking time to see it, let alone ‘reporting’ on the experience is sure to set my better half off).

    1. Perhaps this site’s readers can harness such emotions as “pity” and “contrition”. Forcing Mr Eaker through “Pitch Perfect 2” last summer (?) was a pretty cruel thing to do.

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