Only 39 more movies to Certify Weird!

Next week, Alfred Eaker continues to fill in our missing Ingmar Bergman coverage with Cries and Whispers (1972); Giles Edwards journeys deep into the reader-suggested queue to bring us Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974); and G. Smalley meditates on the recent On Body and Soul before adopting the direct-to-video Arise! as his short-duration personal savior.

Long time readers of this page know that our weekly survey of the Weirdest Search Terms that led people to the site used to be a vibrant review of web weirdness. Privacy filters have put a damper on all that fun. For illustration, our dashboard currently shows 1,650 visits from search engines this week; of these, 1,591 are listed as “unknown search terms.” While this makes it hard to show you the true strangeness of our core audience, we’ll continue featuring the strangest searches from the visible tip of the iceberg. First up is a question that, while weird, has probably occurred to all of us at one point or another: “why not contiouss sexualshows video”? Next is one we can’t quite figure out, unless it’s a request for some kind of bizarre Apichatpong Weerasethakul erotic fanfiction: “kunjane have sex with mr boonmee.” For our official Weirdest Search Term of the Week, we’ll go with “peeping 40 animals porn movie.com”; love the request for exactly 40 animals, and of course the ubiquitous superfluous “.com”. With those oddities visible, just imagine what monstrous searches must be lurking in the 96% of queries invisible to us?

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue stands: Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia (next week!); Genius Party; The Idiots; “Premium” (depending on availability); Spermula; Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

Only 40 movies left to Certify Weird!

Next week, iconclast Alfred Eaker breaks ranks to rant about TV’s new incarnation of “Supergirl.” Next up, we handle a couple of new releases, as Giles Edwards mulls Neil Young‘s Paradox and G. Smalley considers his complicated feelings for François Ozon‘s Double Lover. Then it’s boldly into the reader-suggested queue with Shane Wilson as he faces the sheeplike horror of the Godmonster of Indian Flats.

If you’ve been reading this site for a while, you know that in this space every week we run down the Weirdest Search Terms that brought people to the site. In the beginning, it was a great feature: we discovered fantastically strange queries, people looking for things like “vulva flamy move,” “naked barbarela vs. king kong,” or “ood moviesttttttat ae weird.” Then came the cursed privacy filters, blocking out 90% of the searches from our prying eyes. Now, we suspect these filters are creeping up to 99% coverage. We usually like to feature three weird search terms in this column, but this week we could not find much of anything worth bringing to your notice (excluding one which was weirdly composed but too ambiguously close to a pedophilia request to consider). OK, we’ll throw one out there for you: “silenthill gore scene porn penis.” That’s it; that’s as weird as it gets. Is this the end of this long-running feature? We’ll try again next week but we fear that, in their quest to make it safe to look up lesbian pygmy porn without your wife finding out, Google may have thrown the baby out with the bathwater, leaving us nothing to laugh at. And what good is a world with perfect privacy but no laughter?

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue stands: The Godmonster of Indian Flats (next week!); Genius Party; The Idiots; “Premium” (depending on availability); Spermula; Killer Condom; I Am Here Now; Sir Henry at Rawlinson End; Moebius (1996); The Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

Only 42 more titles left to Certify Weird…

Next week, Alfred Eaker is scheduled to finish up his mini-series on Ingmar Bergman‘s “Silence of God” trilogy with the final entry in the triptych, 1963’s The Silence. Then Terri McSorley gives you the lowdown on Scream Factory’s 2017 Paul Naschy set—a big improvement in quality for fans of 70s Eurohorror in general and the Spanish wolfman in particular. Next, it’s a art criticism double feature, as Shane Wilson tackles Dan Zukovic’s angry, punkish 2004 black art-world comedy Darc Arc, while G. Smalley enters the painted world of Raoul Ruiz for an examination of his mysterious Hypothesis of the Stolen Painting.

Privacy filters are becoming so prevalent that we can now only see less than 5% of the search terms used to access the site. This gives us so few candidates to consider for our Weirdest Search Term of the Week contest that we may have to consider retiring the feature. A victory for the consumer, perhaps, but a loss for weirdness. We promise to soldier on as long as we can, showing you the weirdest searches of the under 5% we can see, such as this week’s “teen age romance &sax.com.” “blue planet loses to banzai” reads a bit weirder (although there is a logical explanation for this one). Fortunately for us, the person searching for “milf lesbian seducing small girls aliens devils shemales xxx rated” chose not to hide his or her search from our prying eyes. And why should they? Nothing suspicious or sick about that search, is there?

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue stands: Darc Arc (next week!); Genius Party; The Idiots; The Shout; “Premium” (depending on availability); Spermula; Killer Condom; The Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

Only 43 more movies to Certify Weird…

Next week’s review slate: Alfred Eaker braves the second entry of Ingmar Bergman‘s “Silence of God” trilogy with the chilly Winter Light (1963). Meanwhile, Shane Wilson investigates the absurd kidnapping farce Avida (2006), G. Smalley fills you in on W.C. Fields’ historical wartime oddity Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941), and Bryan Pike reviews…. a coloring book?

Once again, it’s time for our weekly survey of the weirdest search terms that brought visitors to the site. We’ll begin with the search for an “old movie stars a boy looks like rat who attends college”—maybe the unproduced sequel Ratboy: The College Years? Our next runner-up is the oddly phrased “killed her brother let her eat movie.” (Two obvious questions: did she eat her brother, and if so, who let her?) Our official Weirdest Search Term of the Week is the very specific “whores shooting up meth and getting freaky in macon mo.” Trivia: Wikipedia lists the population of Macon, Mo. as only 5,500 people, so that’s one freaky slice of small town America.

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue stands: Avida (2006) (next week!); Darc Arc; Genius Party; The Idiots; The Shout; “Premium” (depending on availability);  Spermula; Killer Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

Next week, Alfred Eaker branches off from his “spirituality” mini-series with a mini-mini-series as he begins a discussion of Ingmar Bergman‘s “Silence of God” trilogy with a look at the first entry, Through a Glass Darkly. Then, John Francis Klingle goes back to Hideaki Anno‘s frequently-reworked “Evangelion” series with coverage of Evangelion: Death and Rebirth (1997), the condensed feature film version of the first part of the original TV series. Mr. Klingle strikes again with a review of 1976’s Black Cobra Woman (our first ever review of a “Black Emanuelle” feature, even if Laura Gemser isn’t calling herself “Emanuelle” this time out). We’ll wrap the week up with our take on Mike Nichols’ 1970 adaptation of Joseph Heller’s classic “war is weird” novel, Catch-22.

Last week was not that weird a week in weird search terms, which makes for a weak week in our search for the Weirdest Search Term of the Week. We’re down to “weird film where angels kiss etc” for our honorable mentions (and but for the superfluous “etc,” that wouldn’t even have caught our notice). “vampie hunler caphuled” is only worth a mention due to the outstandingly drunken spelling. Fortunately, we have one legit weird search term in “sex scene lays on a sack rejected” to salvage the week.

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue stands: Catch-22 (next week!); Darc Arc; Genius Party; The Idiots; The Shout; “Premium” (depending on availability);  Spermula; Killer Condom; The Godmonster of Indian Flats; I Am Here Now; Sir Henry at Rawlinson End; Moebius (1996); The Adventures of Picasso; Charly: Dias de Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

Only forty-five more titles to Certify Weird.

Check back later today for the official unveiling of the winners of this year’s Weirdcademy Awards.

Here’s what’s on tap next week: Alfred Eaker‘s contribution will be a mystery, wrapped in a ( Tarkovskian?) enigma. G. Smalley goes to the movies to report on Annihilation (hint: you should see it while you can). El Rob Hubbard catches us up on 2017’s Satanic A Dark Song. And Giles Edwards braves the reader-suggested queue for Peter Greenaway‘s obsessive, 3+ hour experimental mockumentary, The Falls.

The increasing use of privacy settings continues to impede our quest to bring you, the faithful reader, a list of the Weirdest Search Terms of the Week, but here’s what we saw. “girl gets dress bitten off by snake and says how expensive it was then gets eaten” probably describes a real movie; yet somehow, the query comes across as a little weird to us. A bit stranger is “want a penis long enough to pumpin a vagina .com”. Kind of sad, really, but it’s the addition of the “.com” that tips it from “pathetic” to “weird” for us.  For our official Weirdest Search Term of the Week, we will go with “spitting impalement from old horror movie (unknown)” (not sure what extra value the parenthesized “unknown” is supposed to add, but it does add extra oddness).

We’re moving Visitor of a Museum [Posetitel muzeya] into the out-of-print holding pen. With that adjustment, here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue now stands: The Falls (next week!); Darc Arc; Genius Party; The Idiots; The Shout; “Premium” (depending on availability);  Spermula; Killer Condom; The Godmonster of Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

Remember, this week you’ll be voting for the Weirdest Movie, Actor, Actress, Scene and of 2017 in the 8th Annual Weirdcademy Awards. Your ballot is here, and the shorts program is available here.

Next week, Alfred Eaker continues his “spirituality” series with Andrei Tarkovsky‘s The Mirror. In honor of the upcoming Academy Awards we’ll look at the one movie worthy of weird notice: Guillermo del Toro‘s Cold War bestiality fantasy, The Shape of Water. Then, we’ll look at two items from the reader-suggested queue: the recent-ish British indie memory-recovery thingee Skeletons, and Japan’s silent Expressionist relic, 1926’s A Page of Madness.

We’ve complained before that the increasing use of privacy filters is destroying our weekly survey of Weirdest Search Terms of the Week, making it so only searches from poor countries where they can’t afford privacy get through. That’s why this week we’re reduced to featuring such searches as “movie kids brother died. his hero fighter named animal has shock collar on gets killed” in this column. (Yeah, that’s probably just a badly-phrased search for a real movie, but what are you gonna do?) Only slightly stranger is the search for “free pure black and white 1950s beastiality movie with shower scene.” Things are so bad that something like “sister show her pantis of her braxer erktik movi” can win our Weirdest Search Term of the Week contest purely due to atrocious spelling and grammar. Let’s turn those privacy filters off and do better next week, shall we, guys?

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue now stands: Skeletons (next week!); A Page of Madness (next week!); Visitor of a Museum [Posetitel muzeya]; Darc Arc; Genius Party; The Idiots; The Shout; “Premium” (depending on availability); The Falls; Spermula; Killer Condom; The Godmonster of Indian Flats; I Am Here Now; Sir Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

Only 47 movies left to Certify Weird…

Next week Alfred Eaker continues his unofficial spiritual movie quest by meditating on Andrei Rublev, Andrei Tarkovsky‘s early, controversial (in the Soviet Union) biography of the titular icon painter. Next up, Giles Edwards dives into the reader-suggested queue for a look at Peter Jackson‘s gory 1987 debut, Bad Taste. Giles will also take a second look at Ben Wheatley‘s shroomy historical saga A Field in England, while G. Smalley looks at the chilly new Estonian fairy tale fantasy November (briefly mentioned by the aforementioned Giles in his 2017 Fantasia Festival coverage). We’re filling in holes and patching up oversights as we continue to build to the magical 366.

This week’s weirdest search terms come with an alien theme. The least strange of these is the search for “hungarian alien porn,” a genre we did not realize Hungarians specialized in. A bit stranger in “alien stealing white blood”; who knew there were alien KKK sympathizers? Our official Weirdest Search Term of the Week, “dial are sick also monkey movie since our own a sitter,” stretches the theme to its breaking point. We contend that only an alien completely unfamiliar with Earth movies could have submitted such an outlandish and incoherent request. Or perhaps a monkey.

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue now stands: Bad Taste (next week!); Visitor of a Museum [Posetitel muzeya]; Darc Arc; Genius Party; The Idiots; The Shout; “Premium” (depending on availability); The Falls; Spermula; Killer Condom; The Godmonster of Indian Flats; I Am Here Now; Sir Henry at Rawlinson End; Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →

As of this week, there are only 48 Weird Movies left to Certify.

We’ll start next week’s journey as Alfred Eaker continued his sidebar on legitimately spiritual films with Robert Bresson’s 1951 drama Diary of a Country Priest. Shane Wilson follows up with an arguably spiritual film (though from an atheist): Derek Jarman‘s experimental deathbed confession, Blue (1993). Then Giles Edwards will tackle the last year’s less spiritual, but probably weirder, Australian micro-budget black comedy Hitler Lives!, before we end the week with a second look at the Little-Red-Riding-Hood-meets-The–Howling horror, The Company of Wolves (1984).

The movies above (at least some of them) are weird, but what about the dubious films we saw asked about in search queries, queries that we will now feature in our Weirdest Search Term of the Week contest? For example, someone was looking for a “movie eels in stomach long life raped daughter.” Equally strange is the possibility that “a beast eat human organ and swing them and hang on wall movie” exists. We decided the weirdest search was for “list of 80s movie natives compiet with giant egg on there head race with subtitles,” because the searcher thinks that movies about natives racing with giant eggs on their heads is an entire subgenre of films (and wants to see only the subtitled ones, thank you very much).

Here’s how the ridiculously-long reader-suggested review queue now stands: Blue (next week!); Bad Taste; Visitor of a Museum [Posetitel muzeya]; Darc Arc; Genius Party; The Idiots; The Shout; “Premium” Continue reading WHAT’S IN THE PIPELINE →