AKA Murder World; Pearlblossom
DIRECTED BY: Ron Carlson
FEATURING: Sophie Moon, Anya Lahiri, Charles Napier
PLOT: As they head home from a 1968 New Year’s Eve party, God stops two lesbian fashion
models on a deserted highway and turns them into vampires so they can do Her will on earth.
WHY IT WON’T MAKE THE LIST: Life Blood squanders it’s weird premise and settles for being just another undistinguished B-movie.
COMMENTS: The literal message of this Ron Carlson film is that vampires are God’s avenging lesbian angels. (Pause for a moment and try to wrap your mind around that weirdness). Returning from a 1968 topless New Year’s Eve party, two lipstick lesbians meet the super-sexy Supreme Being on a deserted highway. She turns them into vampires, dresses them in lingerie and buries them by the side of the road to ripen for forty years (?), after which they rise to do their holy duty (which is never fully explained, although it has something to do with selectively killing off the wicked so She won’t have to flood the world again). The movie plays this wacked-out premise with a straight face, but something sad happens to Life Blood on its march to psychotronic immortality: it wimps out on weirdness and abandons originality. Besides lots of lesbian tongue kissing and a grisly hairpin murder, in the first half-hour we also get a dwarf deputy, a truck stop inexplicably named “Murder World,” and a wonderfully wacky TV show called “Chics Chasing Chickens,” wherein bikini-clad babes stalk the titular poultry. But then, rather than exploring the interesting idea of vampires as avenging angels, the script simply has one of the pair go rogue, turning into a standard bloodsucking baddie. The movie holes up inside a mini-mart, dispatching the occasional customer but more importantly killing off the burgeoning weirdness and the dramatic thrust. B-movie cliches take over, a major character disappears, and after a couple of desperate-for-work actors are sacrificed, a deus ex machina in a see-through negligee shows up to send the plot hurtling to an anticlimax. Pouty Sophie Moon tries to have fun playing a villainess, but hearing her purr repetitive threats wears thin fast; the rest of the acting is serviceable. Editing, camerawork, and sound are pro. The movie went through three name changes before distributor Lionsgate finally selected the most generic title it could come up with. Apparently, the average person knows who someone named “Scout Taylor-Compton” is, because she gets co-top billing on the DVD box (although I couldn’t guarantee she was in the movie). The lesbian scenes are sparse and not hot. All in all Life Blood ends up being a watchable (in a train-wreck sort of way) disappointment, a movie that makes you wonder “what were they thinking?” on many different levels.
Life Blood‘s mystical lesbian hook is so outré it’s hard to imagine the movie’s not conscious of its own ridiculousness, but it never becomes clear whether writer/director Carlson falls on the Ed Wood (clueless fetishism) or the Russ Meyer (deliberate exaggeration) end of the B-movie self-awareness spectrum.
WHAT THE CRITICS SAY:
This unfortunate effort was so amateurish that I found it too embarrassing to watch. I normally don’t criticize movies for having bad clichés and corny dialog, but this one had them in spades. The script, lines, acting and character motivations, (or lack thereof) were just atrociously bad, perhaps the worst I have ever seen!
This film played like something a fourteen year old boy typed on his laptop while surreptitiously sitting on a toilet, stoned, in the women’s restroom at a Star Trek convention. Worse yet, the lesbians had the personalties and mannerisms of mundane barflies. They were so boring, unsympathetic, and crusty as to be utterly unappealing. What a waste! This money could have financed a quality independent project! But I am holding back. Let me tell you how I REALLY feel…