In just a few hours, the telecast of the Oscars (or, as we refer to them, the “Weirdcademy Awards for squares”) will begin. We are happy to steal the Academy’s Thunder by announcing cinema’s weirdest winners of 2017 now.

In the category of “Weirdest Short Film,” the winner is Kirsten Lepore for her strangely erotic (?) “Hi Stranger.” It’s OK, you can look at his butt.

In the category of “Weirdest Scene,” the Weirdcademy Award goes to mother! for the scene where Jennifer Lawrence’s unwanted houseguests send her newborn baby crowd surfing. No clip, because we wouldn’t want to spoil this for anyone who has yet to see the movie.

In the category of “Weirdest Actress,” the Award goes to… Jennifer Lawrence, for drinking a urine-colored beverage, flushing a heart, and generally risking her entire career in a transgressive environmentalist psychological horror movie that’s also a Biblical allegory.

In the category of “Weirdest Actor,” the Award goes to Casey Affleck, for performing almost all of A Ghost Story under a sheet with eyeholes cut out.

And, completing a dominant showing that was almost the first clean sweep in Weirdcademy Award history, the award for Weirdest Movie of 2017 goes to mother!, the most divisive film of 2017.

Thanks to all members of the Weirdcademy, and see you again next year!